Has your young child ever told stories about a friend you don’t know and have never met?  It could be that the ‘friend’ is invisible or it might be a doll who speaks only when adults aren’t around.  Fortunately, new research suggests imaginary friends are both normal and valuable. 

All of four-year-old Sophia’s dolls have names and personalities. To her, they’re almost real. “They talk to each other,” Sophia says. Her mother adds, “And I’ll listen to what she’s talking about. It’s a lot of fun.”

Nearly 65 percent of 3 to 9 year olds have an imaginary friend.  And according to Australian researchers, these children are more creative, more goal-oriented, and have better communication skills than kids with no imaginary friends.  “It helps the child on an unconscious level to recognize emotionally what is going on,” says psychiatrist Dr. Suzanne Starkey.

“If Mommy has laid down the rule on something,” says Sophia’s mother, Michelle, “then basically if she doesn’t like it, she’ll take it into her world. And she’ll start dealing with it within her animals or her babies or whatever.”

Experts say it’s normal for a child as old as 12 to have an imaginary friend. But even at the earliest ages, they should know it is just that: imaginary. “A real friend is my brother,” explains Sophie.

Experts say imaginary friends are only a problem if the child is always playing in their fantasy world or their play is unusually violent or distressed. “So if you feel that something isn’t right,” says Dr. Starkey, “certainly start with the pediatrician, start with the school counselor. If you feel as though you need to go a little bit further than that and check with the child’s psychologist or psychiatrist by all means” do so.

But in most cases, it’s simply a sign of a healthy, active imagination. “It’s an entrée into her world. And who wouldn’t want to be a kid again,” says Michelle.

Tips for Parents

Experts at the NYU Child Study Center say that it is very common for young children, especially preschool and early elementary-age children, to have imaginary friends.  In fact, they estimate as many as 65% of children aged 3 to 9 have imaginary friends.  And according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), some children may have a single make-believe companion for as long as six months while others will change “pretend playmates” every day. 

Why do children create imaginary friends?  The experts at Children’s Mercy Hospitals & Clinics say that imaginary friends help children deal with the normal anxieties of growing up, and they are often created at times of change or stress.  For example, if a favorite friend moves away, a child may replace him or her with an imaginary friend.  The birth of a new sibling may prompt a child to make up a playmate who isn’t interested in the new baby.  Likewise, the hospitalization of a parent, the death of a relative or neglect on the part of a parent may cause a child to adopt an imaginary friend.  Imaginary friends also help children cope with being alone from time to time.  For some children, they serve the same function as favorite toys and worn-out blankets.  The “friend” or comfort object helps a child face the dark alone or deal with an unfamiliar situation.

Consider these additional ways in which pretend pals can help your child in different ways, according to experts at Child and Youth Health of South Australia (CYH):

• Provide companionship
• Allow your child to play creative games and try out different ways of doing things
• Provide a way for your child to practice getting along with others
• Provide a way for your child to safely test out different actions and feelings (fear, anger, etc.)
• Allow your child to be in charge and in control of someone else at a time in his or her life when most people seem to be controlling him or her
• Can help your child deal with strong feelings, such as fear or anger, by having a fearful friend or being angry with the friend
• Can help your child in times of stress

Oklahoma State University Cooperative Extension says that having an imaginary friend is part of your child’s normal development.  However, problems may arise if your child prefers or chooses to play with his imaginary friend even when other children are present.  If you are worried about your child’s behavior concerning his or her imaginary friend, the American Psychological Association offers the following advice:

• Talk to your child.  Find out who the friend is, what his or her name is and what your child does with him or her.
• Ask your child questions.  Try to find out the function the make-believe friend has in your child’s life.  Is your child lonely or bored?  Does your child have anyone else with whom he or she can play?
• Don’t put your child down.  Having a make-believe friend is a childhood phase that usually will be outgrown.  Let your child enjoy this experience.

Dealing with an imaginary friend can often make parents uncomfortable.  CYH suggests the following ways in which you can respond to your child’s imaginary friend:

• Let your child take the lead in how you respond.  If it is a private relationship and your child wants you to stay out of it, follow that lead.  If you are asked to join in the play, then do so.  Usually you will be asked to make room for the friend in different ways, such as providing a seat in the car, not sitting on the friend in a chair and maybe providing things like a cup or plate for the friend.
• While accepting the way your child wants you to act toward the friend, it is helpful if you don’t get too involved and take over or add your own ideas to the story.  It helps your child to work out what is real and what isn’t if you stay grounded in the real world most of the time.  If you take over or add to the story, you are taking from your child’s need to create his or her own story.
• As your child gets older, try to provide lots of enjoyable experiences with real children and real things so the friend will gradually not be as interesting or attractive as the real world and will disappear.

If your child’s friend is still visiting when your child is 9 or 10 years old, or if it’s a frightening companion who makes your child act out in destructive ways, contact your pediatrician for an evaluation of your child.

References

• American Academy of Pediatrics
• American Psychological Association
• Child and Youth Health of South Australia
• Children’s Mercy Hospitals & Clinics
• NYU Child Study Center
• Oklahoma State University Cooperative Extension Service